Brexit Minister makes EU a “very generous offer” of a pork pie, it has been reported.
Brexit Minister David Davis descended on Brussels this week to make Michel Barnier a “very generous offer” of a homemade pork pie and other notable British delicacies, sources say.
The pie was described as “delicious and full of miscellaneous gelatinous bits of dead pig.”
Reports say Mr Davis strolled confidently into the negotiating room at EU HQ with a plastic bag over his shoulder, whipped out a slice of pie “wrapped in a Union Jack napkin” and presented it to Mr Barnier, who accepted the pie gracefully and put it in the fridge.
Barnier said it was indeed “very generous” of Mr Davis to offer the pie but it “wasn’t clear” if the pie was supposed to be in exchange for a reduced divorce settlement or a soft Irish border or what.
It emerged that the Brexit Minister had been up late “slaving” over the pie and the plan had been to make a different British pie for each of the 27 EU states but the recipes were “confusing” and he wasn’t sure what kind of pie Barnier would have liked or if he even ate preserved pig flesh and he ended up throwing most of the pastry and pig bits in the bin along with the Conservative manifesto.
Mr Barnier refused to comment on whether he sampled the pie but claimed that all Davis kept going on about was that he’d “made the pie himself. Which was great for him,” the EU’s chief negotiator added, “but I couldn’t help but wonder if there was a reason the UK Brexit Minister would come to Brussels to talk solely about pork pies.”
Sources suggest it was at this point that David Davis unveiled his “piece which has staying power”: a traditional English village Morris dancing quintet (one of the first things to go in negotiations were commonly used French expressions so there will be a period of adjustment as these are translated literally back into English).
“These guys don’t come cheap,” said Davis, donning his Morris dancing gear and joining the group for a session, all the while maintaining a look towards Barnier that suggested there was “much more where this came from”.
There are suggestions most of the Brexit negotiations’ budget was blown on the Morris dancing.
Davis then slipped Barnier two tickets to see Jersey Boys in the West End.
“Again it was a very generous offer,” said Mr Barnier, who has already seen the hit West End theatre production four times, “but it did seem Mr Davis was deploying tactics to delay the negotiating process.”
After the dance, reports say Davis insisted there was “one more thing” for Barnier’s consideration.
“When he got out the lute and started tuning up,” said Barnier, “that’s when I suspected he wasn’t very prepared to discuss anything.”
I Knead The Truth understands that the pork pie in question was bought from Mr Davis’s local Sainsbury’s.