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Britain spares thought for “real victims” in all of this madness: billionaire property-hoarding oligarchs who own half of London

property demo

In London today thousands took to the streets to protest silently at the mistreatment of the marginalised community of non-dom billionaire property tycoons.

People of all colours, creeds, class and races descended on the capital in solidarity with the greedy speculators who gobble up land like the treasure-hoarding dragon Smaug in The Hobbit and then sit on that land so no one else can have it like Smaug from The Hobbit.

The general consensus from campaigners is that these billionaires, who own half the buildings in London and have no plan to ever use them except to one day hopefully make an extortionate profit off them, have suffered terribly from threats to have their properties requisitioned to house homeless people.

And the silent protest spoke volumes: Frankly, “enough is enough”.

“Someone must speak for these maligned billionaires,” said one activist leading the demonstration. “For one thing the poor guys are out on their massive yachts in the Bahamas and aren’t even here to defend themselves.”

One billionaire investor who owns several luxury apartments in the Kensington area that he has deliberately kept empty since 2008 and has no plans to use the property for anything other than investment purposes has claimed that he is “the real victim” in all of this.

“I’m fed up of being victimised for simply buying up as much land as I could with no plan to use it for people to live in while driving property prices up and contributing to what essentially classes as social cleansing,” said the billionaire, shedding a single golden tear.

According to reports, the government has requested for the general public to “go easy” on billionaire non-doms who own numerous dormant properties across London that could otherwise be repurposed by the government on a temporary or – better yet – permanent basis to house the survivors of Grenfell and all other homeless people.

A government statement said that the billionaires had spent their “hard-earned inherited fortunes” on these properties and “had every right” to erect luxury tower blocks with no specific intention to do anything with them and if anything they would rather that London was just a sea of unused luxury tower blocks and the streets empty but for a handful of Bugattis.

Politicians including PM Theresa May and Mayor of London Sadiq Khan today met with representatives of the landbanking community including oligarchs, tycoons, housing developers and shareholders in the middle of a bidding war in a church hall, to listen to their hardships and promise to take immediate action to make sure no homeless person is ever housed in any of their empty buildings.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said the country should “stand as one”, poor and rich side by side.

“That is, if the rich are around and not away in the Seychelles. I mean, I guess they could skype from their tropical island. And obviously we’ll make sure that no poor person comes close enough to actually contaminate any wealth,” they added.

Sources say the culture of buying up property like real-life Monopoly, or “landbanking”, is one of the main reasons for a lack of affordable social housing and can be linked to the homelessness crisis the country currently faces. But the government and several right-wing commentators have been quick to defend the owners of these tower blocks, as it is “not their fault” that they have all this money to burn and no soul.

“They’ve got to do something with their billions of pounds that they don’t need,” said one commentator.

When asked if it was reasonable to house homeless people in empty buildings in order to take a step towards ending homelessness, a government spokesperson said we need to be “realistic”.

“We can’t expect homeless people to cope with living in a luxury flat, they might pee in the shower and they won’t be able to work the hob. It would be a disaster.”

The government has pledged to house all the survivors of Grenfell within three weeks but when asked if they could perhaps house people immediately using powers that the government possess to enforce emergency action in acquisition of property that is unused and dormant, they said “it would be unfair” on the billionaires who might use the property at any given moment.

It is reported that some of the billionaires use their empty flats almost once every three years.

One government minister questioned where the billionaires were supposed to stay should they decide to visit the city on a whim.

This was conceded to be a very good point.

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