may haz mat public

Prime Minister Theresa May met with the general public today via satellite from bunker deep below Parliament to express her deepest sympathies with the victims of the latest in a long line of tragedies to befall her tenure.

Mrs May, dressed in a hazardous material suit, spoke openly with pre-vetted Conservative-leaning members of the public from her special reinforced glass container via satellite in an underground bunker deep below the House of Commons. May’s advisors cited the need for these precautions was down to health and safety, which for the PM’s position in Government is said to have reached the level of “critical”.

“You can’t be too careful these days with all these germs and socialist ideas floating about,” said one advisor. “We’d be worried if May was exposed to some of this outpouring of solidarity, generosity and good intention she might give in to it.”

“Also we’re worried people will ask difficult questions about social housing and fire regulations,” they added.

For “security reasons”, on her visit to Grenfell Tower the Prime Minister was regrettably unable to meet anyone who wasn’t in a uniform and in receipt of welfare or long-term illness.

According to reports, even just the thought of having to shake the hand of a poor person with a history of physical or mental illness gives her the “heebie-jeebies”, and even when addressing the public via a giant television screen setup in West London May appeared to be holding back the desire to retch at every mention of poor people.

Government sources said talking and listening to ordinary people might “sound helpful” and be the sort of thing that “could claw back some respect” from the general populace as opposed to staged photo-opportunities and empty platitudes but in reality politics is “all about staged photo-opportunities and empty platitudes.”

“We’re very clear,” said one of May’s newly appointed Chief of Staff, “lessons need to be learnt. There are some very practical needs that need to be met. We need to look into the causes of the problems. And it will be much easier for us to look into the problems without the overbearing scrutiny of the general public. The only way we can truly serve the interests of the people is by ignoring the interests of the people. We’ve very clear on that.”

I Knead The Truth understands that the Conservative party will continue to find excuses for the absence of their Leader for the indefinite future until eventually they will give up and concede she is not up to the job.


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