Tory government to be propped up by melting ice caps and images of dead foetuses
The Conservative Government is to be supported by a combination of melting ice caps, the charred remains of human rights legislation and crude images of unborn babies, reports confirmed.
In a bold move to further the ultimate goal of bringing forth the Apocalypse, the Prime Minister announced today that she would be forming a new government propped up by diminishing polar ice caps and a group of angry people from outside an abortion clinic wielding crude imagery of unborn babies.
Speaking outside Downing Street next to her coalition iceberg, Theresa May said: “I have spoken to the Queen and it gives me great pleasure to announce that the Conservative and Unionist Party will continue to rule the land, albeit with the added support from rising seas levels and angry homemade posters with pictures of foetuses on.”
May stated that her tenure as PM would be as strong and stable as the slushy lumps of ice in her new cabinet.
The idea for the support allegedly came when the Prime Minister was on a run through some wheat fields late last night searching for something that could prop up her minority government. After earlier trials with a hardback Encyclopaedia, May was looking for something more reliable and it was then she heard the “visceral frothing screams” of what could only be a group of angry misguided individuals standing outside an abortion clinic wielding placards and shouting abuse at young women.
“These are the people I need to influence my policies,” said May, adding that they might have to “tweak” a few slogans like “BURN THE FOETUS MURDERERS!”
The Prime Minister has been “clear” ever since 12.30pm today that she could provide “certainty” that the Government had always been supported by the ultra-loyalist group DUP from the very dawn of time 6,000 years ago and was surprised to hear of all this “misinformation” about a “so-called election” that happened last night.
“I’m very clear that all this talk about the election last night is false. There was no election, I stayed in and ate my bodyweight in wheat until 7am this morning, I popped in to see Her Majesty and it is now time to get to work in dismantling everything this country stands for.”
Led by Jeremy Corbyn, the Labour party achieved more support than almost any previous Labour Party since 1945. The Conservative and Unionist Party said it was “fortunate” there hadn’t been a General Election yesterday because Corbyn might have picked up some serious ground.
But the Unionist party made it clear that had Labour won a majority in the made up election that didn’t happen, they would have “quite literally” taken us back to the dinosaur age of the 1970s when man and dinosaurs and man lived side by side.
“Do you want to live side by side with man-eating dinosaurs?” said the Creationist Coalition.
In a brief speech of doublethink certainty Theresa May promised that her New Age Government of Creation would finally be able to promote serious but neglected environmental issues such as drilling deep into the British countryside in order to speed up Armageddon.
And with the support required to form a government, the Government pledged to fund vital public services like gay cure hospitals, fully costed by closing down Accident & Emergency Departments across the UK.
“We might even have some money left over to build brand new camps for gays to live in away from children,” they added.
Education was another focus for the newly formed government, with a statement from the Prime Minister saying “rather than use a hike in private school fees VAT to fund more equality across the education system, we’re going to replace science classes with extra Bible studies.”
“Let me tell you with great certainty,” said May, leaning on her coalition iceberg, “it is my aim, along with the DUP, to eradicate the past and drift out to sea on this tiny rock of ice, cold and alone.”