After an existential crisis Prime Minister Theresa May has looked deep within her soul and gone for Labour, reports say
Exiting her local polling station with a big beam on her tired face Theresa May delightedly told reporters that she had gone with her gut instinct and voted Labour.
May told reporters that she was “up all night” leafing through the Labour Manifesto “and do you know? It’s bloody brilliant,” said the Conservative leader. “I can’t fault it. They’ve got ideas and plans and I know I said all that guff about the money tree but this is the most progressive political offering in years, why wouldn’t you vote for this?”
Standing proudly in front of reporters May admitted to be relieved that the election was finally coming to an end.
“I’m surprised I held out for as long as I did. Did I look like it was getting to me?” May asked the press who unanimously answered, “No, never, I mean, you were strong and, uh, determined throughout and you got your message across…whatever that was and you never looked like even for a minute…like you were…struggling. No you did fine! Really!”
May apologised to the general public that she had not seen many of them other than from the windows of her battle bus and that in future she would “welcome everyone” to come running in fields of wheat with her, providing they had a wash beforehand and didn’t touch her skin or breathe on (also she would be wearing a hazmat suit just in case)
“I hope Labour do it,” said May. “I don’t fancy leading this Government. We are such a bunch of power mad sociopaths that I’m surprised anyone bought our lies and repetitive slogans. Strong and stable? Enough is enough? What was all that about?
The Prime Minister made it “very clear” that she has changed her mind and said it is “Ok” to change your mind at the last minute. What is not ok, she went on, is to pretend you are the party of the working people when the only interests you represent are those at the very very top.
As a Christian, May confessed that she should really have just looked to Jesus for my inspiration. What would Jesus do? Would he say “Hey, you, homeless leprosy-ridden peasant – if you want to make your life better you should vote the guy who lives in the fortified castle across the road so he can bulldoze your children’s school and build an even bigger castle for him and his billionaire mates to store their gold bricks and then blame lepers for bringing the local economy down when the people complain that a school had to be bulldozed.”
“I see that now,” she said. “I see how we have misled honest working people into believing that we can offer them a bright future but without adding the caveat that so long as you already have a massive inheritance or multi-million pound empire to fall back on. Otherwise, why would you vote Conservative?”
“Labour isn’t promising to make you rich but they are promising to make everyone more equal by making the super rich pay a tiny bit more in tax. Do you have anything to gain by supporting the vested interests of the super rich if you are not super rich and you care for the well-being of your family?” May continued.
“There is an outrageous amount of money hidden away in offshore accounts. If you or anyone you ever know has used a hospital and not been saddled with crippling debt as a result, why would vote for a party that has been selling large chunks of it to giant corporations like Virgin? Richard Branson literally tried to sue the NHS for not being given a contract. He is not the kindly man you think he is. He only cares for money. I see that now.”
As voters trickled in, May spoke at length outside the polling station about an “epiphany” she had last night in bed while reading the Labour manifest after a long jaunt in the Westminster wheat fields. The PM reportedly shot up out of bed and called up Amnesty International.
Said May: “I said I thought maybe I’d gone to far this time in order to win votes. They said I had. I said I thought maybe exploiting a terrorist attack for political gain was a tad insensitive. They said “A tad insensitive?” I said maybe over-ruling the law and taking away people’s personal freedoms was not how we defeat terrorism and was actually playing into the terrorist’s hands by perpetuating the fear created by terrorism. They said I had. I said maybe there is a better way to deal with terrorism. Maybe we could stop selling weapons to Saudi Arabia and Qatar. Maybe we could stop bombing the Middle East at every opportunity. Maybe once we have stopped threatening the lives of innocent civilians abroad and stop giving the terrorists literal and figurative ammunition, and suffocate them of the oxygen of publicity that they crave, maybe then we can work towards preventing future atrocities. Maybe it won’t be immediate but when you create as big a global problem as we and America and other western forces and so-called purveyors of peace have, maybe you have to look at yourself first before looking at others. Maybe you have to accept your own shortcomings before you go drawing up plans to detain anyone you see fit uncharged for 90 days. Maybe we are part of the problem not the solution. They said can we go to bed now it’s getting late. I said ok. They said is your conscience clear? I said well nearly, first I need to publicly apologise to the entire police force for dismissing them when they warned me about cutting numbers and the knock on effect it would have. Secondly, I need to apologise to the workers of the NHS for underfunding them and causing intense levels of undue stress and blaming them for problems the Government could have solved. Next I need to apologise to teachers and to children for taking money away from schools and trying to create a divisive education system where many poor kids get left behind. And also for trying to take away their food. To students for raising tuition fees and burdening you with debts you will never pay off and for creating a post-graduate dependency on unpaid internships that only help those who can afford to work unpaid. And to pensioners, some of our core most loyal voters, Jesus, sorry for attempting to make the remaining years of your lives as miserable and uncomfortable as possible, safe in the knowledge that even the one thing you might be able to pass on to family (assuming they even own their house) is taken away from them in a last callous swipe. Also the disabled, unemployed, the underemployed, those on zero hours contracts, recipients of JSA, sorry for Iain Duncan Smith. He is just the worst example of a human being imaginable. Sorry about the ritual humiliation that has become the job centre. Sorry for creating a culture of scapegoating and blame be that towards the unemployed or immigrants or single mothers or families who depend on foodbanks even though they have jobs. One of the largest countries in the world and we’re more concerned about funding nuclear warheads than making sure people have enough food to eat!
Sorry for manipulating employment statistics to make it look like things have improved when most of those jobs are insecure, irregular and put people under pressure to be available to work at a moment’s notice and have to live their lives constantly waiting for the phone to ring and never being able to plan anything. I and Iain Duncan Smith and numerous other Conservative politicians have never had to experience being told to be “realistic” by a smug individual sitting behind the desk at a job centre. And to the disabled people and those with mental health conditions. I’m sorry we forced so many of you to take your own lives because of our heartless authoritarian work capability assessments. We were under the misguided impression that by telling someone they were fit to do a job that they would suddenly find themselves not suffering from an debilitating heart condition. For his part in the creation of this evil system Iain Duncan Smith should face at least the people he has harmed if not judicial investigations into his cold deliberate and calculated attempt to just save some fucking money.”
After an impromptu performance of Elton John’s “Sorry Seems to Be The Hardest Word” with Elton John wheeled out for the occasion, May went on: “I’m sorry I ever even ran for leader of the Conservatives. I’m sorry we even exist in the 21st century as a party of people who support the barbaric ideas of ripping foxes to shreds for sport, trading the body parts of endangered animals and the ongoing funding of nuclear missiles that will never and can never be deployed other than emaciate the entire population in order to make a feeble political point and then die after. We will from now on look at changing what we stand for. This is an opportunity for us as human beings to take a good long hard look at ourselves and decide what it is that defines us: money and endless greed or humanity and solidarity. For too long we have only been able to look at the numbers, the figures, the deficit, how much needs to be cut. But we have not taken a moment to look at the people behind the figures, the actual human beings who are genuinely affected by our decisions to close things down, sell things on, blow things up.
I don’t know what I’m going to do for the rest of the day now. I think I’m just going to go home, have a nice cup of tea, watch a bit of Count Arthur Strong on catch up, go for a run in the wheat fields and maybe have a good long cry.”