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Theresa May might be allergic to the general public but she’s certainly not allergic to wheat as she announces the release of her new book, reports say

may run

Following revelations about her childhood obsession of running in wheat fields, Theresa May is set to release a book chronicling her wheat-heavy escapades, reports say

The 900 page book, rumoured to be titled Run Away May, is set to be a gripping no-holds-barred thriller detailing encounters with disgruntled farmers and townsfolk who she has no time to talk to while she’s running. Early reports suggest the memoirs contain many twists and turns that the Prime Minister is keeping characteristically quiet about.

The book is also set to include lots of interesting footnotes concerning the history of wheat production.

Speaking in an empty barn as far away from civilisation as possible, May reminisced about simpler times where on one occasion after church one Sunday she went running in the wheat fields with her friends when they took a wrong turn and all of sudden she ended up in a beet field.

“We realised pretty early on that this wasn’t ordinary wheat,” said May, speaking at a farmhouse dining room table surrounded by a mass gathering of one small family of Conservative voters.

Sources say May has never been so animated during this election than when she is talking about wheat. May apparently got so carried away waffling on about the time she was running in the field when she noticed all the wheat had disappeared and after calling the local police force thinking the wheat had been stolen, it turned out the farmer had harvested the wheat, that there was no time for her to answer questions about the Government’s deliberate underfunding of the NHS.

“The confusing thing about this episode was that we couldn’t see any wheat to run in,” May continued, laughing maniacally. “That’s what I tried to explain to the police man.”

Later that evening May was at a Conservative rally attended by almost 20 people where she revealed she would be ripping up Human Rights Laws and replacing them with her book about wheat. In order to distract the public from having their freedoms threatened in order to appease a narrow-minded far-right agenda, May spoke about the time she got her first box of Shredded Wheat for Christmas.

“It was a family-sized box. I knew what it was before I opened it due to the shape of the parcel. I ran outside and immediately sowed the entire box at the bottom of the garden. I stood there and waited for my very own wheat field to grow. It was then that my mother explained that wheat didn’t grow like that. Well, if only there had been anti-terror laws at the time because I would have implicated my mother for treachery. Again I called the local constabulary and again they did nothing. I told them they would regret messing with me.”

School friends of Theresa May who have wished to remain anonymous said how she was unable to run unless there were rows of fully grown wheat stalks either side of her.

According to reports, even on sports day May had to have a protective wall of wheat either side of her or she wouldn’t run.

“You didn’t even see until the end of the race,” said one friend.

Sources say May was always up against a boy from a rival school who brought with him hundreds of supporters and some local bands.

“He was a really nice lad, fast, genuinely cared if someone else twisted their ankle in the bean bag race,” said one former school mate. “The local BBC news team would always swing by to ensure they captured every moment. In the newspapers the day after all you’d see was pictures of Theresa running through wheat with a handful of her supporters cheering her on. You wouldn’t have even known there were crowds of people gunning for the other boy.”

Close aides to the Prime Minister have confirmed May is “wheat mad”.

“When she isn’t speaking to the press behind closed doors or engaging with members of the public wearing blue rosettes in cafes under strict conditions, I guarantee you she’s running through a field of wheat. If you ask her what she’s up to at the weekend she’ll say “I’m going to church and then I’m taking the bins out and then I’m going to run through wheat fields.”

Never has the public been so engaged with a politician who seems so down to earth and honest about their love of wheat and authoritarian leadership.

Supermarkets are already reporting a spike in the sale of wheat-based products, and the Conservatives are hoping to extend the election campaign by another month in order to make it more about the Theresa May’s love of wheat rather than her depressing continued austerity programme and plans to introduce measures that amount to Thought Police in order to keep people safe from thinking for themselves.

I Knead The Truth editorial analysis: “Thought Police? Where’d she get that idea from?”

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